The worst kind of love is when you love
through the disgusting—
when you’re bad for each other
and you know it
and you keep on loving
and it tears you apart.
The worst is when you can’t get enough of it.
You’re running to their mouth
like you’re looking for a fix;
you promise yourself,
just one last time.
But the last time becomes the next time
and you wear their bruises
in a ring around your neck,
and tell yourself it’s poetic
to wear hickeys like a hanging.
You try to shake them from your bones,
but they’ve soaked into the marrow,
made sponges of your femurs.
Your legs give out at the knees
and you call it love.
They say the warning sign
is when you think you need one another.
They say that’s where it starts.
But you’ve never loved by halves
and you don’t know how to stop.
The worst is when you lose yourself loving
but you have always loved that way
and you don’t think there’s anything
you can do about it.
2 AM Sunrise, by Ashe Vernon (via noblepulsarwaves)

(Source: latenightcornerstore, via noblepulsarwaves)

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To whom it may concern,

I fell in love with your beautiful soul, I fell in love with the idea of you and me. I fell in love with the way you allow yourself to be completely unrevealed to me, yang secara eksklusif saya miliki dan orang lain tidak. The best thing about you and I, is the friendship we have between us. We’re the lover who’s more like a best friend, we can share everything, we can tell each other everything. Berdiskusi, bertukar pikiran, berbagi cerita, berandai-andai masa depan dengan kamu tidak ada habisnya. Mungkin 1.5 tahun perjalanan bukanlah tempo waktu yang lama bagi sebuah perjuangan.

Darling, if love could save us from anything,
Why did we argue so much?
Why did I cry a lot?
Why did you mad that often?
Why didn’t you fix that one unfinished business that always left hanging?
Why basically we can’t keep up of each other’s personality?

People always put the blames on you. For they never know the process of how you learn, how you improve yourself to be better everyday. Perhaps it’s never been your fault, could it be me who can be good enough to make yourself changed. Perhaps it’s me who’s never been enough with everything. Hingga pada pagi hari 8 September 2014 saya tidak mampu lagi meyakinkan diri mengapa saya harus bertahan. Saya benci, marah, sedih dengan bagaimana saya diperlakukan. Saya lelah dengan perdebatan, penyesuaian mood, dan toleransi akan emosi. Bukankah selama ini sudah cukup? For everything I’ve been thru, I don’t wanna deal with this later in my marriage life, five years from now.

Sedikit cerita tentang saya dan Ibu:

Ibu datang, mendekat. Bertanya perihal keyakinan dan kesiapan diri saya mengenai pilihan saya. Dari begitu banyak nasihat dan sarannya, semua bisa saya patahkan dengan sekejap. Saya ini keras kepala luar biasa. Namun kenapa pertanyaan ini sulit sekali? Saya tidak boleh kalah. Saya marah pada Ibu, marah sekali. Berhari-hari saya enggan melihat wajah beliau dirumah. Sampai saya bangun pada suatu pagi dengan sadar, saya tidak marah pada beliau. Rupanya saya marah pada diri saya karena tidak mampu menjawab pertanyaan beliau. If I couldn’t make myself so sure about you, how do I defend the idea of you in front of my family?

I woke up every morning with many different feelings the day after September 8th 2014. Sometimes, I think I gave up. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with the promises and the hopes you offer to me, and the way yourself being so loveable. Bermimpi suatu hari pada akhirnya bertemu lagi dengan kamu dengan perubahan diri kamu yang selalu saya inginkan. Tapi maaf, saya sadar saya harus berhenti meminta.

Mohon maaf, untuk sikap saya yang naik turun dan akan selalu naik turun dalam beberapa pekan ke depan. Maaf untuk segala ketidakpastian. Saya akan sangat kangen sama kamu. Yet I need to accept the situation here. That our values are way too different they can’t bridge us together anymore. Apa yang saya anggap benar, belum tentu benar bagimu, dan sebaliknya. Kemana perginya segala toleransi?

Hanya dua hal yang saya tahu pasti: 1. Saya masih sangat sayang dengan kamu. 2. Pun demikian; saya telah menyerah semenjak 8 September 2014.

Darling, I would and should learn to let you go. For the perfection I had never been fulfilled & For the endless requests I asked you, I deeply apologize. And all in all, I do really hope you find your half. Semoga kamu menemukan perempuan sebaik-baiknya yang mampu berbagi kebaikan, mengajarimu dengan tulus, menyayangi dengan hebat dan tidak putus asa. Tidak, ia tidak boleh lebih payah dari saya dlm urusan menyayangimu. 

P.S: Ibu, maaf atas ketidakmampuan diri saya yang belum ikhlas menjalani pilihan ini. Saya janji akan terus melangkah kedepan, meski harus merangkak. Dan untuk universeIf God initially connected us with hatred and knitted us with affection once, why wouldn’t He repeat that again someday?

Please, pause.

I wonder how wonderful it is to feel loved and feel secured at the same time. I wonder how pleasant it is to have a nurturing relationship, a lifetime learning process between two persons. I wonder how graceful it is having more positive energy in your life consists of happiness and gratitude, rather than negative ones consists of rage and misery. I am working quite hard to balance my imperfections with all the positive outcomes I have in myself; my rather low degree of physical attractiveness, my somewhat unability of managing temper (based on my family’s opinion), my lack of focus, my indecisive trait, my trust issue on someone, my sensitive sense, my melancholy mind, my somewhat lack of courage in pursuing dreams, and others I can’t remember of. I am working on those, sometimes I cover it up, sometimes I leave it just be, sometimes I put some effort to fix it.

The ones who always force me to be a better person are my parents. Their saying of my quite bad temper will be a significant obstacle to me in my further life. I’ll be facing a lot of crashes, inconveniences, problems, etc… so don’t be a trigger to your own life because of your mismanaged temper. My father is my longtime teacher of patience, he teaches patience through his actions & his sayings. I keep forcing myself, forcing myself harder… forcing myself forward. I don’t wanna be someone who will say “This is me with all my bad temper, so deal with me.” since it only brings a lot of disappointments from the people I love. I force myself to be the better person for them, for my parents. And for myself as well. To grow up is a challenge, and to those who success of passing it is the winner of themselves.

As for the current partner of mine, I am working on others imperfections of mine I wish to become better. He thinks I don’t necessarily put any effort at all to change things on me, but he doesn’t know it even a slight. I am working on what I called my bad temper by facing his temper. Facing him is the way I train myself. I love, I encourage, I support him, so he can know how blessed it is to feel loved. How love is a remedy, affections are magic, I hope it can cure his wrath and all the bad thoughts of life in himself, all his pessimistic, his skeptic way of thinking, his broken sides of past experiences, his disappoinments of people, his wrong belief in love & humanity… i am trying to love him perfectly because I want him to know that he’s lovely too, with all the imperfections he has. He deserves love too.. a huge, powerful kind of love. But still… It shattered me into pieces while loving him. The hardest thing of this is to understand all his clueless way of thinking, his unconscious bad traits, his mindless behavior, his purpose / not on purpose act that potentially hurts me. I push my ego many times he may not realize… to forgive him, forgive him with everything that happens. I keep rebuild my trust and renew my hopes anytime I feel disappointed. I love him enough, I wish he knows that he’s a loveable person, he’s the good one he thinks he never become.

On the other time, I am working on my self-confidence terribly hard, feels more like a war. To understand his fancy of physical appearance is become an unconscious mandatory for me to fulfill his wish. I can never be beautiful enough… But I do, try, to loose my weight, to look skinny. I do, try, to look any prettier (if there’s a chance) to dress beautifully in some events, to protect my hair from some unattractive looks, to look quite confident in front of his family & his best buds. I do, try to fix my facial appearance into a better form, though it hasn’t reached there yet. How I wish I can be beautiful enough for him. He’s been longing for a perfect 10 lady I could never be…

This improving process doesn’t stop there. I have been dealing with my lack of focus, my lack of courage in pursuing dreams, my sensitive side. My mother took a significant part here, she says I have never been really ambitious, I have never been growing courage enough to pursue my career. She says I am a “forever-average-people”. She must be loved me so much she doesn’t want me to hang on nowhere… I force myself to learn, learn better. I read more, I write more. I observe how people work. I force myself to go from one comfort zone to another. I do have some dreams, though it’s a mainstream ones; studying abroad with a scholarship. It’s not the proud I wish I can give to my mother… It’s a satisfied & successful feeling I wish she can have after growing a daughter like me with all the energy and sacrifice she has done to me. It’s a gratitude feeling I wish she could encounter after I can give her that.
I feel loved enough by some, yet I feel not completed still. After all the self-improving and efforts I do, can I be loved with everything I’ve got…? Can somebody love my imperfections and my most not-loveable side of mine…? Can I ever be good enough to anyone?

Can I be happy…?