Please, pause.

I wonder how wonderful it is to feel loved and feel secured at the same time. I wonder how pleasant it is to have a nurturing relationship, a lifetime learning process between two persons. I wonder how graceful it is having more positive energy in your life consists of happiness and gratitude, rather than negative ones consists of rage and misery. I am working quite hard to balance my imperfections with all the positive outcomes I have in myself; my rather low degree of physical attractiveness, my somewhat unability of managing temper (based on my family’s opinion), my lack of focus, my indecisive trait, my trust issue on someone, my sensitive sense, my melancholy mind, my somewhat lack of courage in pursuing dreams, and others I can’t remember of. I am working on those, sometimes I cover it up, sometimes I leave it just be, sometimes I put some effort to fix it.

The ones who always force me to be a better person are my parents. Their saying of my quite bad temper will be a significant obstacle to me in my further life. I’ll be facing a lot of crashes, inconveniences, problems, etc… so don’t be a trigger to your own life because of your mismanaged temper. My father is my longtime teacher of patience, he teaches patience through his actions & his sayings. I keep forcing myself, forcing myself harder… forcing myself forward. I don’t wanna be someone who will say “This is me with all my bad temper, so deal with me.” since it only brings a lot of disappointments from the people I love. I force myself to be the better person for them, for my parents. And for myself as well. To grow up is a challenge, and to those who success of passing it is the winner of themselves.

As for the current partner of mine, I am working on others imperfections of mine I wish to become better. He thinks I don’t necessarily put any effort at all to change things on me, but he doesn’t know it even a slight. I am working on what I called my bad temper by facing his temper. Facing him is the way I train myself. I love, I encourage, I support him, so he can know how blessed it is to feel loved. How love is a remedy, affections are magic, I hope it can cure his wrath and all the bad thoughts of life in himself, all his pessimistic, his skeptic way of thinking, his broken sides of past experiences, his disappoinments of people, his wrong belief in love & humanity… i am trying to love him perfectly because I want him to know that he’s lovely too, with all the imperfections he has. He deserves love too.. a huge, powerful kind of love. But still… It shattered me into pieces while loving him. The hardest thing of this is to understand all his clueless way of thinking, his unconscious bad traits, his mindless behavior, his purpose / not on purpose act that potentially hurts me. I push my ego many times he may not realize… to forgive him, forgive him with everything that happens. I keep rebuild my trust and renew my hopes anytime I feel disappointed. I love him enough, I wish he knows that he’s a loveable person, he’s the good one he thinks he never become.

On the other time, I am working on my self-confidence terribly hard, feels more like a war. To understand his fancy of physical appearance is become an unconscious mandatory for me to fulfill his wish. I can never be beautiful enough… But I do, try, to loose my weight, to look skinny. I do, try, to look any prettier (if there’s a chance) to dress beautifully in some events, to protect my hair from some unattractive looks, to look quite confident in front of his family & his best buds. I do, try to fix my facial appearance into a better form, though it hasn’t reached there yet. How I wish I can be beautiful enough for him. He’s been longing for a perfect 10 lady I could never be…

This improving process doesn’t stop there. I have been dealing with my lack of focus, my lack of courage in pursuing dreams, my sensitive side. My mother took a significant part here, she says I have never been really ambitious, I have never been growing courage enough to pursue my career. She says I am a “forever-average-people”. She must be loved me so much she doesn’t want me to hang on nowhere… I force myself to learn, learn better. I read more, I write more. I observe how people work. I force myself to go from one comfort zone to another. I do have some dreams, though it’s a mainstream ones; studying abroad with a scholarship. It’s not the proud I wish I can give to my mother… It’s a satisfied & successful feeling I wish she can have after growing a daughter like me with all the energy and sacrifice she has done to me. It’s a gratitude feeling I wish she could encounter after I can give her that.
I feel loved enough by some, yet I feel not completed still. After all the self-improving and efforts I do, can I be loved with everything I’ve got…? Can somebody love my imperfections and my most not-loveable side of mine…? Can I ever be good enough to anyone?

Can I be happy…?

Papa, sabar yah.
Beberapa tahun lagi, semoga papa sudah bisa tinggal tetap di rumah, nggak perlu tinggal jauh dan sendirian lagi untuk dinas kerja. Nggak perlu lagi cari makan sendirian kaya anak Kos karena mama udah nyiapin semuanya di rumah.
Vanya janji untuk berusaha lebih dari sekedar berusaha. Untuk selalu berbuat baik sama orang. Untuk bekerja dan mendapat penghasilan selayak mungkin. Untuk ngutamain orang-orang yang sayang sama kita daripada orang-orang yang menyianyiakan.
Tapi papa harus punya umur panjang dan sehat, yah. Nanti kalau sudah tinggal tetap dirumah dan nggak kerja lagi, vanya sering2 ajak olahraga di Senayan atau GBK biar badan papa nggak ringkih. Walaupun vanya bakal banyak jajan daripada olahraganya, yang penting papa harus olahraga. Heheheh. Nanti kita sering ngeteh sore-sore yaa, biar papa nggak ngopi terus. Oh ya, nanti vanya umpetin rokok papa diatas genteng biar papa nggak bisa ngerokok lagi, sesering apapun papa beli rokok. Heheheheh.
Papa, maaf ya tulisan ini jadi doa dan harapan yang invisible aja karena nggak disampein langsung. 
Papa sehat-sehat terus yaaah sampe pensiun!

I feel. I sense. How someone sees me in person through their inner mind, deeper thoughts, unconscious and slipped statement from their bare mouth even when it comes out as jokes. Though I can’t verify the authenticity of them, I can’t not holding onto these ideas.

How it’s like to be, when someone always sees you as an alternative, back-up, last person they would want to end up to live with?
That their superior, arrogant, yet a total human-ish idea of having a physically perfect and talented partner will always be their wish, so no matter how much you do in loving them, will never be enough.
That they want to stay with you today because they think they are not decent enough yet to get the perfect one, so in the meantime, staying with you is the last option they could have, while keep waiting to get a chance of accomplish their ego.

I am like a bomb with a time.